 |
| A girl can say no. |
Sadly, we have been waking up to one case after the other,
of brutally murdered women. The common culprit: an estranged ‘lover’. Perhaps
of more concern, millennials seem to be the most affected.
A few days ago, a young doctor was killed. Her apparent
crime: saying no to a man. A man who had allegedly given her all manner of
gifts and incentives to say yes. The same man suspected of killing her.
Worse still, bloggers went on to post unverified claims. That
she was killed because she infected the man. Even if it is indeed true, it is a
very foolish way of looking at things.
HIV/AIDS is not a new topic. Particularly, here in Kenya. It
has even been declared as a national disaster. Education about it has since
been cascaded down to both schooling and public fora. From that, we, especially
adults, know how it gets passed from one host to the other.
Therefore, when you remove your clothes to jump into bed
with someone, HIV/AIDS is a risk that you have fully accepted. Plain and
simple. Why then pursue retribution yet, you are not even married to the one
that supposedly infected you?
 |
| Accepting risk |
More worrying, is that someone would feel the need to kill,
for being infected. In itself, it is an indictment to the ‘HIV/AIDS is not the
end of life’ campaign. Apparently, more needs to be done.
Feminists have taken center stage in throwing blame for the
doctor’s death. In response, the ‘boy-child’ has resulted in throwing shade on
the female gender. Every side always seems to suggest that they can make do
without the other. Surprisingly, it never comes up that both are the product of
biological parents.
 |
| We have resorted to blaming each other |
We can throw all the blame we want at the end of the day.
However, several young women are lying dead and more may come. This is
especially if we do not understand and correct the underlying issue.
Most African millennials have grown up in a patriarchal
system influenced by incentives. The father was judge, jury and executioner. The
mother was only happy when a gift was given by the father. In return, the
father was treated as a king.
The seat of the king and its rightful benefits was only
maintained by his capacity to offer incentive. Whatever was given was accepted
– the only good part in their story. So, if you ever wondered where millennials
learnt the art of gifting, receiving and resultant expectation, you now have
your answer.
Also, whenever there was a disagreement in the house, the
father always came on top. At least that is how it seemed. After all, the
mother, though wounded, was still there. She never left. Leaving was off course
a taboo then. It is different now.
Thirdly, the father was a respected loner. The respect was
mostly driven by fear of his might. In fact, he was too mighty to fall into
hard times. As such, millennials never really saw how they dealt with their
shortcomings.
Fourth, the ‘you are special’ speech negatively affects
millennials in such cases. It works well in innovation but so far, not in relationships.
Millennials approach relationships expecting treatment that is befitting of
that speech. Anything that falls short of that treatment is taken with disgust.
That growth process produces a boy-child with dominant
expectations of a king’s treatment. A boss tendency so to speak. This is even
solidified more by his imitative actions of the king he grew up to.
 |
| 'You are special' |
Accordingly, his incentives, first and foremost, must be
taken and appreciated. Royal treatment is expected to follow. In the event of
an argument, his word is final.
Unfortunately for the boy-child, that same growth process
also produces a different girl-child. One that is far away from expectation.
Even further, she has an added empowerment advantage.
Right from high school, the value of her self-worth in
modern society is overtly preached. She even gets access to comparatively more
development opportunities. Playing second fiddle to men becomes a thing of the
past.
 |
| Empowered girl-child |
He ends up with a girl-child who equally believes she is
special. Special enough to get anything and everything she wants. Everything,
without having to give anything in return. To give her a gift is a privilege on
the boy-child’s part. She is a goddess. To settle for one man far too early is
to settle for less.
From recent news, the boy-child does not know how to deal
with that kind of girl-child. How could he possibly know? He never saw her in his mother. His father was
also a loner so he never learnt how to handle rejections as a man.
In addition, he still maintains a fleeting belief that his
word is final. He then starts to feel both threatened and unappreciated. As such, he results to the
most primordial human nature; violence.
I honestly believe that both of them are to blame. The
actions of each have led us to where we are today; 39 women dead since January
2019.
Do not get me wrong, even the boy-child does get killed. It
is just that such cases do not attract as much attention. We desperately need
an intervention or else we will finish each other.
 |
| Rising murder cases |
I am happy to have gone through rich teachings about various
life values during my initiation. I learnt that if you notice the lady you are
dating is dishonest, move on and do not harm her.
In doing that, you protect your bright future. It sets the
stage for you to proudly stand before your son, and teach him to respect women.
This will be from experience.
On that same stage, you will teach your daughter to be
honest and live within her means. It is for that reason that you will confidently
ask God, for your daughter to get married to a man like you. One who respects
women.
Aaron Ogunde.
Indeed, if a woman says no, take it at face value and move on. Plenty of women will say yes gladly. If your original choice was insincere, she'll come round. You don't need to play these games.
ReplyDeleteA gentleman’s audited thoughts!
Nice audit.
DeleteHey Aaron,
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice read though with some little drawbacks.
This article appears to insinuate that boychild is always on the wrong side. I believe that women are more empowered than men and "know what they want". They should just focus on that without extending their networks so wide as to send boychild into poverty and HIV and AIDS and walk away scot-free because they're empowered.
The problems we see in relationships today did not start with the millennials. We're just reflecting what's happening in society. There's impunity everywhere. Politicians get away with corruption, the socioeconomic system seems to favour only a few and these add to our frustrations. When you add these to poor parenting and lack of role models in society you're likely to understand that what's happening so far is just but a tip of the iceberg.
The statistics used here are also skewed. It's not true that millennials are the most affected. There was a wave of nyeri women burning their husbands. Sponsors killing sponsees and multiple incidents that majorly involve generation X. Remember thetcase of Mercy Keino, Monicah Juma, the lady who died alongside Chris Musando et al. It's clear the most affected people are the generation X. They believe that with only a few thousands of shillings you can win your way to every ladies' heart. These usually don't end well. The media always has a field day for a few weeks and the issue dies.
But when one boychild does something bad it's the same lot of generation X that stand on every rooftop to lecture and castigate us. That's not fair.
A girl can say no. That's fine. But if you pray for rain prepare to deal with the mud. From where I sit, many young girls are sentenced to death by the older generation than millennials. In fact, I dear say most of the prostitutes survive on the payslip of the older generation. You can't use only a few cases to pour disparaging remarks on millennials across the board.
Let the government sort the economic and political problems by adressiadd such things as impunity and plunder of public resources by taking perpetrators of such crimes to jail. Let the people who came before us solve social problems. Then peace will prevail between boychild and girldchild.
Hey Sam, Thanks for reading. I like your perspective on some of the issues raised. Key to note though: No one sends anyone to HIV/AIDS. It is a path that is CHOSEN, usually unknowingly. Perhaps i may have failed in trying to put that across in the article. On your last point, we can agree to disagree. If we wait for the government, we will finish each other. Remember, "ask what you can do for your country, not what it can do for you."
DeleteGirls please let's walk tall and say No. Love is patient. Love is kind.
ReplyDeleteTrue!
DeleteThank you for this critical perspective. As individuals of either gender we need to be clear in any relations. Be honest about what you want and remember nothing is ever for free. Self awareness is a continuous and vital part of our lives. Seek help if facing a toxic relationship. Learn to set healthy boundaries. Don't invest in a relationship that you are halfway in.
ReplyDeleteDeath should not be by any means be a solution to any problem we face. Life is sacred and should be treated so with utmost care and respect
ReplyDeleteThe generation Y should adapt quickly to the influence our media and society brings forth. The best so far should be to focus on motives, vision well being. Get love from within it will flourish..
Yes, murder or suicide should never be an option. Honesty is the best policy from the onset.
DeleteQuite Critical. Perhaps I need a subscription button
ReplyDeleteThank you! Will work on creating that button.
DeleteWell said we hope every man out there will accept that a woman has the right to say no. The media on the hand need to be a bit sensitive to what they post online. Some issues run deep in the hearts of those who have lost their loved ones whether there was a love triangle or not.
ReplyDeleteYes, I hope so too. We need to be more open-minded in relationships.
DeleteDear Apprehensive Men,
ReplyDeleteWe have not appointed you defenders of masculinity. You are all aware and its pretty obvious that only a few are potential serial killers, misogynists, stalkers. If you feel you must respond to every generalization about men, you have a problem.
Nicely put.
ReplyDelete