Are you really ready for 2020?

'Njaanuary'

For most of us, today was our first day back at work. Believe me, it sucked! For the past few weeks, every day was Friday – if you know what I mean. As from today however, every day is going to feel like today; Monday.

Ironically, just a few days ago, you had joined the ‘2020 is my year bandwagon’. By week two, somehow, your resolutions will start behaving like your ex; hard to live with!

Worse still, you only have 25 days’ worth of fare left. All you will be thinking about for the rest of January, is the end of January – pay day. Whoever invites you for coffee better be the one buying.

First week of February, a sigh of relief – some money in your pocket. You also seem to be getting into the 2020 mood. The second week brings with it the one day that most men fear, and what all ladies can’t wait for; Valentine’s day.

You are going to hit your head hard for the perfect gift. She in turn will crack her head open with expectation. Then before you know it, February will be over.

March is the month when all that was forgotten seems to be remembered. It’s the time that your lecturer will recall that there is a CAT yet to be rendered.

Your boss will send an email to check whether it works because he can’t see the report that you have been sending since January. Tala, KCB-Mpesa and M-Shwari will also be on your neck for the Valentine’s day loans you took.

'Lipa leo alafu uchukue ingine'

In April, there is always a cousin or an office colleague who decides to get married. You don’t know why. Soon, you will find yourself in a 20-man WhatsApp group committee, with a KES 10 million budget. The bride and groom will then pledge 2 cents! When will Easter come? You ask yourself.

May and January are sisters from the same womb. For one, both have an international holiday on the first day. On this day, you can catch some sleep. After all, even the President doesn’t take it too seriously these days. He will send someone from the labor ministry.

Those that do attend are only there for a few words of the entire speech; salary increment. Everything else said is for the birds. Also, just like Christmas, your money will have been spent on both Easter and your cousin’s wedding. You shall thus be spending the whole of May just as you did January, broke.

June is the month of self-realization – the year is half gone! Time to revisit your resolutions. However, by this time, you can only contend with half the resolutions. By the end of the month, even that half will have become a nuisance.

July is as cold as the British blitz. You will soon realize that that extra blanket is not enough. This is the time you will begin to re-evaluate all the things you should or shouldn’t have done before your love life died.

I want you back!

Only school kids who are not candidates enjoy August. It is also the one month of the year when politicians whom we both love and hate with equal measure, die. Every time Jeff Koinange opens with a politician’s name, we finish the sentence for him.

In September, reality begins to kick in. You still haven’t gotten that promotion and your bank account in no way suggests that you will be a millionaire, any time soon. Your inboxes also show no proof that you will be taking anyone to meet your mother during Christmas. The phrase ‘next year will be my year’, becomes your new friend.

By October, your energy is spent, you are just now going through the motions; come what may!

Remember Valentine’s day? November is its child. It’s the time of the year when ladies dressed in all white head to the 'annual gossip conference-cum-baby shower’. By now, the holiday mood is also around the corner and you are just now counting days to the end of year office party – whether it will be there or not.

In December, you will pick up where you left off. You will have just the one question for everyone you meet, “Nanii, mko na machine? Nalipa na card!”

'Hamuwezi maliza pesa niko nayo nanii'

Ochieng Ogunde